Sunday, June 20, 2010

To My Father...

For as long as I can remember, I have always been a daddy's girl. I would often fall asleep laying on my dad's lap or ask him to carry me around in the amusement park. When I was older, even if I am not a touchy person, I would still give my father bear hugs and belly slaps. For me, my father was the only man I could rely on; the only man worth loving. I guess to some extent, the reason why I still do not have a boyfriend; nobody will be as good as my dad. (Electra Complex?? NAH!)

Unlike most fathers, my dad was always beside us. He would go to the market and cook our food (when the maid is not home) and would even nurse us when we are sick. He was both a father and a mother to us even if my mom was also always home. My mother is not a domestic goddess, she doesn't cook nor go to the market (we go to the supermarkets, not the wet market. LOL).

I would remember him singing to us non-stop (even if we begged him to) when we are on road trips. He patiently taught me that "he is not a citric fruit, not Lemon...It's Lennon" when I asked him for the correct spelling of "Imagine" when I was in grade1 (yeah...I sucked at spelling!) I have learned to love music because of him from "oldies but goodies" to alternative rock. We loved drinking coffee (even when I was still in preschool) until now that we are both hyper acidic. Both of us are very temperamental so we would often bicker and sometimes not even talk for days. But he would always apologize to me...even if it was my fault. He would come home with shrimp tempura in his hands and bribe his way back to my good graces. Although I might complain that he favors my older sister more, I was still happy to have him as my father.

Nobody is perfect and I thought that his only imperfection was his ghastly habit of smoking and his foul temper. However reality really does bite...and it bites hard. Finding out that your father is not the ideal man was like a throw-down from life. Suddenly pulling out the trust from under our feet is the most painful thing that life has dealt my family. It has been a year now since the incident, and every time I remember it I still tear up and sometimes cry myself to sleep. This time, I see my mother in a different light. I see both of the in different lights. My seemingly perfect family, shattered by an old whore.

My parents are still together after that mom forgave my father. However he can never regain what he lost...what we lost. I lost my rose spectacles; my father lost our trust. So even if my father is still physically present, my heart still breaks when I hear "dance with my father." Now, I am looking at a new man...a man different from the father I knew. I know that what he did should not diminish his worth as my dad, I know that. But it feels terrible knowing that he hurt my mom...all of us. I hope one day, I can see my father again. The father that I love and respect. To my dad, I love you. Even if it hurts...


  1. hey sweetie.
    man is not perfect, and we all make mistakes. to put someone high up on a pedestal is to set them up for failure. i dont know much, but from your post i can guess what happened. all i can say is this. love can withstand all problems. and it is a REAL, true love that will hold two people together. you and your family has been through soooo much - happiness, sadness, anger, disappointment - all these emotions, and the will to fight and forgive throughout the many other experiences in the past. so don't let this one incident take the best of you and your fondness for your father. its not worth it. hold on to what makes a person good - that is what we all deserve. let go of anger and disappointment, distrust and fear, because if you dont, you're not giving yourself a chance, let alone the people you have come to love and will come to love in the future.
    you owe yourself more than that. you ALL deserve happiness, and while it sometimes feels good to pity and long for the past, it has happened and you must accept it. This incident can make you stronger, or it can break you. You have only that choice to make.
    I know my words are just words, but i feel for you, so be wise, be smart and remember, it's not the end of the world. the end of the world is death, and an unwillingness to forgive.
    If you love someone, u can forgive them.

    Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

    take care x

  2. thanks Liz. :) I know that I should forgive...and I think that I already have. However I still cannot forget, and I feel that it is harder to forget something this painful. However, I must agree that thinking so highly of someone is unfair, I know that now. I love my father...I really do and I think that what happened only made me see him clearer in a more fair light.